Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Tense Times

Big problem in dealing with all of this is my level of anxiety and level of patience is thin. I am doing my best to try to deal with it. Obviously, I have a lot going on. My biggest concerns are in going through all of this is that in dealing with all of this I will lose track of if who I am. That is what weighs on my mind the most. I feel that I am changing from the person that all of you have decided to support and it scares me.
There are multiple levels to this fight. There are things about this fight when I am on my own. On another level I most definitely am not alone. I have unbelievable friends and family supporting me.
My anxiety and patience issues lead me to lash out at times. The biggest problem with that is the people who are most often on the receiving end are the ones I interact with the most. This means these are the people who likely trying to help me the most. Which makes me even more upset that I am having problems controlling myself. Please accept my apology in advance of any slights.
Just so you understand why I get so tense I want to try to give everyone an idea of what I am thinking about.
My left hand and left leg are getting less and less coordinated on almost a daily basis. I find I am able to do less and less each week. My real concern is about how long I’ll be able to do anything with my left side.
With the electrodes on my head I am not supposed to sweat because it causes them to lose their grip and become painful and ineffective. This means I can only exercise when I change them out, which is about 3 times a week. I can't change them myself so I have to be close to someone who has watched them changed. For someone who was running/working out 5-6 times a week it is a big adjustment.
The meds that I am on to control the side effects of the tumor increase my level of anxiety, and also cause me to be hungry beyond belief. Between not working out and always being hungry I have put on quite a bit of weight. The weight, combined with the device make me very uncomfortable with myself in public. I am also frustrated with my inability to do things with this new big belly I am carrying around.
I don’t sleep well at all. I have only slept deep enough to have a dream once since I got this device attached.
I went to the Patriots and Ravens game this weekend which was a really fun but taxing experience.
When I go into public or do activities it takes a lot of planning. It takes me about 30- 40 minutes of planning and prep to be able to leave the house comfortably. I still have not come up with a quick explanation for what it is I am carrying around for when strangers ask. May seem unnecessary, but people ask and it sucks to not have something to say because I have always had an answer for everything. I have actually never really given as much thought about what strangers think and that bothers me as well.
As I you can see I have a lot on my mind and I am trying to deal but it is no easy task. Please give me what I can't right now, patience.

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