Thursday, February 2, 2012

Never made surgery literally scariest day ever

I'm sitting in the hospital and I don't mind saying that today was the scariest day of all of this. I woke up this morning very confused about how to feel. For a long time I had centered a lot of hate and grief on the device I was forced to carry around. Then I started to get used to it. Then I realized I had made it my crutch. Any anxiety or problem was a product of the device. Not the tumor. Almost a bit of institutionalization. My goal had not become beating cancer but getting done with the device.
Before surgery I had a partial seizure and for the first time was not able to take my meds bc I was shaking too badly. My sister found me and helped me and the seizure subsided. 20 minutes later I got into the car to head to the hospital and had a severe seizure. I could barely breathe my hand and arm and leg were paralyzed. My jaw felt wired shut. Literally had a moment where I thought I might die. The best way to describe the fear combined with the helplessness to stop what is happening literally a nightmare that you can't get out of. we called an ambulance but were determined to make it to Hopkins for surgery. We knew an ambulance would take me to the closest medical center so I told them I would not go with them unless they took me to Hopkins. Well while trying to act tough I had another severe seizure and agreed to go wherever with them. Once again I my face arm and legs were frozen and I'm gasping for air. You keep thinking stay calm stop shaking catch your breath. Nothing works. They took me to Anne arundel medical center. Surgery is rescheduled for tomorrow at 2 hopefully we get it in without any surprises.
I'm now at Hopkins bayview. Tough for me to receive visitors because I find my situation a little embarrassing. Please understand In October I'm running 13 miles. Now I need someone to hold me up while I urinate and I have to physically move my left leg with my hand because it is lame

1 comment:

Bryan Allen said...

Thinking of you. Hope all goes well today.