Friday, December 2, 2011

This will not be an inspirational blog entry. For those of you who think anything nice about me I would not recommend reading any further the summary of it is I’m struggling. This is more of a confession about how I really feel. It will be whiny, and contain mostly self pity. I’m not fishing for compliments or money. This is the Blog entry I would not allow myself to write before this. It is all the thoughts that I’m ashamed of that I have never allowed myself to voice out loud. If I am going to keep this blog up it cannot be all inspiration and good stuff. It has to be honest so here goes
I never wanted to be any one’s hero. I didn’t want to be an inspiration. I just want to the average to below average person I was before all of this. Unfortunately, I don’t get that choice. In Fact, I don’t have the luxury of choices at all any more. It is “take this, go here, have blood taken on this day…”
I had a seizure yesterday at work. I did not lose consciousness, but I felt confused and my left arm was shaking involuntarily. I was able to ask someone in the cubicle next to me to help me out and communicate that I was having a seizure. She helped me get into a chair and it was a few minutes before I regained control of my arm and my full awareness.
I have anti-seizure meds, which should keep me from having further seizures, but the whole situation has really irritated me. I was supposed to go visit my sister this weekend but my Neurologist said he did not want me getting on a plane given what had just happened. Pardon my language; THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
The simple answer, “is just take the meds and you’ll be fine.” The whole reason I stopped is because I’m tired of all of this.
It is yet another reminder that I’m not capable of living a normal 27 year old’s life.
I have tried to take everything in stride, while taking everything one step at a time, and keep my chin up, and keep moving forward, and keep on swimming, and not feel sorry for myself and know that good things come to good people and blah blah blah.
As far as faith, I have none. I feel either abandoned by God or cursed by him.
The truth is that all of you guys inspire me. I don’t have a thing in my life that I like except for the people in it. My friends and Family are really the only things that make me peel myself out of bed every morning. I have limited self pride. I have 0 resources. I have almost no belongings. Lately, I’m struggling to see what purpose I have.
I wake up these days believing that I won’t have as long a life as 95% of the people I know and I grind out what I consider a fairly unimpactful existence. In most aspects of life I am average, and my health issues seem to be preventing me from being able to use the gifts I do have to their fullest extent.
I find myself being jealous of the accomplishments and successes of others and I hate it. I am full of rage and erupt about tiny things like dropped phone calls or losses by my favorite teams. I have lost my way. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing any more.
The reason I enjoy running so much is because I just get to turn my mind off for however long I’m out there. Now I won’t be able to run with out the fear that I may collapse in a quivering heap.
I’ll spend a quarter of the next 6 months feeling absolutely terrible doing treatment which may or may not work. I'
This entry has all the makings of someone about to do something crazy, but I’m here to assure I won’t. I’ll keep living this meager existence for however long I have because I love all of you that much. I’m sure most of you disagree with what I’ve said and that's fine, this is just how I feel right this moment.


De Infami said...

Life is sh!t. The world is cold. All we have is each other. My brothers friends and my family are the reason I get out of bed and shuffle one foot in front of the other. If I could carry your cross, I would. And, I'd be proud because the limited times we spent together a weight was lifted off my shoulder, my heart was warmed, and I found myself smiling. I'm just an average guy, too.

The holidays make it even tougher. Living through murder on Christmas seems minuscule to your struggles but know your thoughts and feelings matter. I find myself wondering how you hold your head up high coz I know how tough it is for me. Real spit. Real shit.

We are all humans at the end of the day. Keep your chin up and DON'T lose faith. Love ya, man

Caroline said...

I posted this on Facebook...
You are extraordinary. Nothing about you is average. You're the most fantastic brother in the world. You're a superb friend to everyone. You are hilarious and smart and all around terrific. Cancer fucking sucks. You are fucking awesome. You're allowed to have all the feelings you wrote about, but it doesn't mean I agree with you on everything (surprise I know). And, I'm always right, so don't try to argue with me. As a good friend of mine recently pointed out, John you are a gem. We'll get through this. Love you.

buffy said...

John I am humbled by you everyday. As your sister stated, you are extraordinary...and don't ever forget it. You are allowed to scream and shout and don't have to handle this alone. You have awesome friends and as one of them told me it is because you are such an awesome friend to them. There is no explanation to why this happened, but you have handled each day heroically. I know you are not looking for posts of admiration, but you know I have to have the last word. I love you and I am so proud of you each and every minute. xoxo